wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
