apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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