My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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