I wanna bring you to show and tell
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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