There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
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She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
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Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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