I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
