she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
