i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
