My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
