mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
