In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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