I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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