You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
