Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
