just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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