i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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