if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
