i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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