That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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