Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
