what day is it and did you see me today?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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