I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Swine flu is the new snow day.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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