The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
