So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
