i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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