If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
