zippers are such a cool invention
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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