If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
