im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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