I heard we made out
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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