seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
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