listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Is it penis luge time yet?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
