How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
