i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
