I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
