ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
