I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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