2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
