At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
