I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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