Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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