Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
