so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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