If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
