No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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