I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
