just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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