So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
