i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I don't deserve a penis
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
