Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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