How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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