evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
There was a lot of him and a little penis
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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