You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
