He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
