Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
