I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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