i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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