Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
